Smile like you mean it and let yourself let go

I find myself tentatively getting more and more into EGL again? I say tentatively because what I'm wearing here is otome, but baby steps. I used to be really into EGL fashion and would go so far as to call myself a 'lifestyle lolita' at one time. But then my confidence crashed and I sold everything as I didn’t like the attention it drew in public. That's an issue I've always had with any fashion, I love expressing myself through my clothing and the act of putting an outfit together and looking on the outside as I feel on the inside. But when you wear things that are considered a bit more extravagant you are perceived, and that's where things start to feel uncomfy. Part of this comes from other people's behavior towards me, but honestly it mostly comes from myself and my own fear of taking up space.

I've dabbled in other styles too over the years, but for whatever reason I've always wistfully come back to Japanese street fashion again and again. I've bought a dress here or there, especially when I was actually living in Japan, but I could never quite work up the courage to actually wear them. I'm not entirely sure what's triggered it, I think part of it has been living in Korea and feeling myself trying to shrink down even more and go unnoticed so as not to be marked as 'the foreigner', but I got really angry with myself about it a few months ago. Why should I scuttle around unnoticed in the background? I have just as much right to take up space as anyone else! I'm still trying to repeat this like a mantra to myself everyday, but it's slowly working, and as this confidence has grown so has my desire to wear what makes me happy. Although I'm in Korea (although I'm going to Japan next month!!!) it's still obviously a lot less to pay for shipping than it would be from Europe so I've been making the most of that and ordered a few things from Closet Child. And I can't remember the last time I felt so much like me! I wore this outfit into Seoul, and while I was waiting for my food in a restaurant I noticed two older Korean ladies kept staring at me and naturally it set off all of my usual negative thinking. Until one of them came up to me all smiles, saying "Pretty woman! Very beautiful!" and it absolutely made my day. I need to be kinder to myself and stop assuming the worst of everyone - it isn't fair to me or them. I know I'm not alone in these thought patterns, and really it's strange that it's the first place our thoughts go to when we see someone looking at us. Especially as I often look at people to admire what they're wearing, so I don't know why I don't give myself that same grace. It's frustrating as well because I never used to care so much, and I want to get back to that old me.

I don't really want to be a proper lolita again, I just want to incorporate my favorite elements of it and not be afraid of it anymore. I've found a lot of other inspirations between then and now, and I'd like to try and mix all of them and find something that's just me. But I am having fun playing with fashion again and wearing things that bring me joy.

dress - Emily Temple Cute // cutsew - Innocent World // headbow - Angelic Pretty // bag - Fjallraven // shoes - Keds // necklace - Tatty Devine // socks - some market in Seoul

Cast your fate to the wind

I wasn’t planning on posting my outfit, but I ended up really liking what I wore to Seoul today. A few weeks ago I ordered a few dresses from the US using a shipping service, this is one of them by Her Universe. I’ve not owned anything by Her Universe before as it’s kind of expensive, but I’ve been wistfully looking at all of their Studio Ghibli stuff for a while and decided to just go for it. And I’m really happy! They crease super easily which is annoying, but they’re well made, a good length, really comfy, and they have pockets.

I also recently looked through my jewellery box for the first time since coming here, and it was like looking through a little time capsule of me. I don’t know if that sounds weird, I guess I’m just really connected to my jewellery and as I’ve been feeling a bit depressed and lost the past few months it felt really special to find it again. I decided to wear my labradorite necklace along with this froggy pendant I got in Kyoto, and I’d totally forgotten about my Pandora bracelet too. It’s my travel bracelet and I like to collect charms of each place I go as a little souvenir. I promptly added one for Korea, it has a little traditionally dressed couple on it. You can spot the Shiba dog I got for Japan, the windmill I got in Amsterdam, my NYC charm, and Duffy bear from DisneySea.

I’ve been in Korea for exactly 3 months now, and in a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand I have the opportunity to go live in Japan again and I’m in love with that idea - I enjoyed Japan so much while I was there, I really vibe with Japanese culture, so many of my interests are based in Japan - Disney, Ghibli, art supplies and stationary (cheap Copic markers! Tokyu Hands! Traveler’s Company!), the street fashion, their love of hobbies in general and how easy it is to try your hand at literally anything. Can you tell I miss Japan? I’ve felt especially homesick for it since coming to Korea as there are some similarities. But I also kind of want to go home, get a cute little apartment, maybe a pet, and work on my illustration business. I can work on some of that to an extent from abroad, but I can’t travel to conventions, selling online is difficult when you’re so far away with higher shipping costs from most of your audience, and it can be difficult to engage online with such huge time differences which algorithms hate. I kind of hate how it sounds, but I also just miss my stuff. I’m a collector, and I like making my living space my own. I have a lot of hobbies, I like fashion and dressing up. It’s hard living out of a suitcase as a maximalist and there’s always the nagging thought at the back of my head that even if I settle somewhere I’ll have to get all of the new stuff I get home with me someday. I get too emotionally attached to stuff to be able to just throw everything away, and I tend to only buy things I really love - if it’s ugly and basic them I don’t want it, I’d rather save up for a cuter version. So I don’t know what to do right now! One day I’m convinced of going to Japan, then the next I prefer the simplicity of home.

I did decide to make the most of being in Korea by getting a Samsung phone. I actually used to own a Z Flip 3, but returned it before the cool down period ran out as I couldn’t get used to Android after a lifetime of iPhone iOS - anyone who says it’s easy to switch has either never only used iPhone, or is straight up lying. Everything was frustrating, nothing felt intuitive. I’m sure Android users feel the same on an iPhone, I’m not saying one is better than the other, but it’s a massive learning curve that I couldn’t cope with. Add to that everything I imported from my iPhone was horribly mangled - all of my photos were out of order and in weird folders that weren’t as easily accessible as photos taken on the Flip, my Notes were a mess, I couldn’t even find half the stuff that had been on iCloud, apps I’d always used were either different or straight up unavailable. But dammit, I loved that phone! I loved how customizable it was both inside and out, and it never stops being amazing bending your screen in half. Plus I love how some apps integrated that feature, allowing you to use the phone in a compact position. They’re quite common over here and I was getting a bad case of the “I Want”s so I gave in as they’re so much cheaper here what with Samsung being a Korean company and all (like, half off kind of cheaper). And I love it! I’m going to be keeping my iPhone this time so I won’t need to import anything and have that big headache, and now I don’t have to constantly switch out my UK and Korean SIM cards. I got the blue model, and I’m in love with it as it’s my very favorite shade of periwinkle.